Here’s been something fairly recently with me that I need that help to get out of my head. Something I’ve been saying over and over again a few too many times.
“I have no one. I have nothing. I am nothing.”
This isn’t true. Yet, this is where it would be nice to see and feel results of all that hard work and energy that I do pour forth. I just can’t afford to always be going back to a square one. I’ve been feeling not very secure and not able to be going anywhere for a long time now. It’s time for me to finally have his taste of success.
I’m damned to know where to begin.
It seems like I am just inhibited from achieving anything. Also not true, yet, unless I get the proper cooperation from somebody, all that’s ever going to happen time and time and time again is I just cannot get a good ball rolling for myself.
Thus my major depression. Nothing works for me. Not quite ever but nothing that is going to allow me to help substain myself and be a complete man.
I feel like a passive victim at times as well. That too much of my own suffering is due to those well before me being abusive and destroying who and what I need at this time. Always boiling down to these two major aspects in life itself. Money and love.
If my life depended on doubling my income or having someone to date. I would die.
To me this is pretty f up to be admitting.
It’s no longer about blaming the world, blaming myself, or even blame in general. As a whole collective of being upon the human race, we allowed corruption and destruction parallyze people in being too inhibiting and just not taking the time to learn, know, and even grow. How can I prove myself to others if I can’t even be given the common courtesy to do so?
Not very happy with how many simple human values are almost non existant these days either. I do everything I can to keep myself being one of the best people who I can ever be. I have my moments where I feel like this isn’t even respected. I had too much love not being reciprocated. I had effort and energy that feels like it was all for naught. Sure life goes on, but still. Why should my life feel meaningless only because I can’t find those out there who will help make it meaningful on these two fronts?
Sure I am a great friend. Sure I would be a friend to everyone if they let me. (A past manager said this to me which I appreciated greatly.) Sure I enjoy diving in and going out of my way for others. There just comes a time when I see that when my needs arise, who’s going out of their way for me?
Here is my latest mental battle. “Little sister” has her new boyfriend. I’m happy for her. Yet I fear being a third wheel just by hanging out in both their presence. I guess if I had my own date by my own side, this wouldn’t even be a concern. I just don’t want to be tainted with jealously and loneliness when I know she more or less need me strong, rather than weak.
I cannot begin to tell everyone what kind of awakening she gave me. I don’t think I can even justify in words how much EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US takes basic life for granted. While we got our differences, I cannot be introduce into such a world without direct knowledge on one level of what that is like.
NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ALONE. That is probably the one and only suffering we both shared. Having our social worlds be way too small. Being embarrass to be out in public. Trust me, I know how that alone is psychologically unhealthy. I know how that alone can be a nightmare on anyone. Just look at how I’ve opened this blog.
The final pieces of my puzzle have yet to come together. I know they are all there. I only hate fearing what I just don’t know about anymore. I myself cannot afford to be alone anymore. At the same time, I also can’t afford to be on my own and with someone else. Being allowed to earn more money would cure a bit of this, but still.
I’ll never be about money, and only about the humanity the existed well before the economy ever came about.
Tough to gain confidence when the results needed to build that confindence isn’t there. If I cannot overcome this depression, I may never find that confidence.
Be good, be strong, and be safe. Peace.
Tags: battle, concern, confidence, cure, date, dating, depression, desires, fear, help, hope, interest, love, money, need, needs, pray, struggle, third, want, wants, wheel, worry
