Some depression lifting.

So now I am dealing with my job running me into the ground with little jobs and having no money for new tires. 

Not fully sure how my one good friend is doing.  Just hoping she isn’t mad at me which is why she isn’t replying to me.

However, did start some good conversation with a friend she knows and me and her are hitting it off quite good.  So there is that positive vibe going.

Something about love that knows how to cure.  People should find ways to love a lot more often.

We should also find answers for people who need them. 

Plenty of conerns with gas going up like it is and this economy.  Creditors, government, oil owners.  A whole lot of crimes are going on with all this nonsense and it can get heightenly dangerous if better solutions don’t start coming about.

Need help in the federal tax department with a couple of newer rules, got to figure out how they apply to me.  My federal tax return is going to be my new tires.

I got a meeting next Friday to figure out a better future for myself in what will be my career path now.  Just got to figure out if I can do so legitimately and not end up this waste of time and money resources.

My depression definitely continues.  I could be on top of some things better still.   I’ll get there yet.

Peace.

Love sick. (lack of)

Here is a huge bit of truth in regards of my current depression state.  I’m love sick.  Not being the one able to love someone whom I’ve invested a lot of caring time over.  I can only blame myself but that pain will be there for a little bit.

I’ve been living years on end of my very own life having no one to love and cherish.  This is just playing games on me now.  Too many previous incidents where I just can not win no matter what I do.  I feel like there is this connection barrier that I just can never break.  It gets painful at times too.

What is a man to do when all he wants to do is love for all the right reasons, and no one seems to care to even try and notice?

I’ve been described as having a huge social void.  Yes, this is way too true still.

Now, I’m just trying to clean my conscious from the imagination overdrive it has hit.  Feeling hollow just sucks.  Only time is going to cure this.

Getting older.  Time isn’t something I need to keep going by where and when my turn for great opportunities should be happening.  I want my life to begin now.  Not weeks, months, years, or eve decades from now.  NOW.

This is apparently too much to be asking for.  That is what lack of love sickness does to a fellow.

Hard on yourself.

Here’s been something fairly recently with me that I need that help to get out of my head.  Something I’ve been saying over and over again a few too many times.

“I have no one.  I have nothing.  I am nothing.”

This isn’t true.  Yet, this is where it would be nice to see and feel results of all that hard work and energy that I do pour forth.  I just can’t afford to always be going back to a square one.  I’ve been feeling not very secure and not able to be going anywhere for a long time now.  It’s time for me to finally have his taste of success.

I’m damned to know where to begin. 

It seems like I am just inhibited from achieving anything.  Also not true, yet, unless I get the proper cooperation from somebody, all that’s ever going to happen time and time and time again is I just cannot get a good ball rolling for myself.

Thus my major depression.  Nothing works for me.  Not quite ever but nothing that is going to allow me to help substain myself and be a complete man.

I feel like a passive victim at times as well.  That too much of my own suffering is due to those well before me being abusive and destroying who and what I need at this time.  Always boiling down to these two major aspects in life itself.  Money and love.

If my life depended on doubling my income or having someone to date.  I would die.

To me this is pretty f up to be admitting. 

It’s no longer about blaming the world, blaming myself, or even blame in general.  As a whole collective of being upon the human race, we allowed corruption and destruction parallyze people in being too inhibiting and just not taking the time to learn, know, and even grow.  How can I prove myself to others if I can’t even be given the common courtesy to do so?

Not very happy with how many simple human values are almost non existant these days either.  I do everything I can to keep myself being one of the best people who I can ever be.  I have my moments where I feel like this isn’t even respected.  I had too much love not being reciprocated.  I had effort and energy that feels like it was all for naught.  Sure life goes on, but still.  Why should my life feel meaningless only because I can’t find those out there who will help make it meaningful on these two fronts?

Sure I am a great friend.  Sure I would be a friend to everyone if they let me.  (A past manager said this to me which I appreciated greatly.)  Sure I enjoy diving in and going out of my way for others.  There just comes a time when I see that when my needs arise, who’s going out of their way for me?

Here is my latest mental battle.  “Little sister” has her new boyfriend.  I’m happy for her.  Yet I fear being a third wheel just by hanging out in both their presence.  I guess if I had my own date by my own side, this wouldn’t even be a concern.  I just don’t want to be tainted with jealously and loneliness when I know she more or less need me strong, rather than weak.

I cannot begin to tell everyone what kind of awakening she gave me.  I don’t think I can even justify in words how much EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US takes basic life for granted.  While we got our differences, I cannot be introduce into such a world without direct knowledge on one level of what that is like.

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ALONE.  That is probably the one and only suffering we both shared.  Having our social worlds be way too small.  Being embarrass to be out in public.  Trust me, I know how that alone is psychologically unhealthy.  I know how that alone can be a nightmare on anyone.  Just look at how I’ve opened this blog.

The final pieces of my puzzle have yet to come together.  I know they are all there.  I only hate fearing what I just don’t know about anymore.  I myself cannot afford to be alone anymore.  At the same time, I also can’t afford to be on my own and with someone else.  Being allowed to earn more money would cure a bit of this, but still.

I’ll never be about money, and only about the humanity the existed well before the economy ever came about.

Tough to gain confidence when the results needed to build that confindence isn’t there.  If I cannot overcome this depression, I may never find that confidence.

Be good, be strong, and be safe.  Peace.

Feeling empty.

There is no worse feeling in the world than feeling empty and hollow.  This is where your heart feels heavy, you spirit feels weighted down, and you are lost without any decent thoughts at all.  I laid in bed awake a few times with this feeling.  Never a fun thing.

The main concern of my depression is knowing I have zero dollars to rely on if anything were to happen badly.  I lack the fund for a car repair, funds for even getting some simple basics.  This is about as disheartening as dishearten can get.

I don’t think people quite comprehend how bad my overall situation is and that the whole investing in my future is why it is even here to begin with.

Even with mistakes aside, I’m just oppressed into a corner that is beyond hell to escape.

Love conquers all if you happen to have somebody to love.  Right now there is no one even on the horizon for me to even consider.  Another major ouch in my life.

This is how bad feeling empty can make a person.  What I want or even prefer in life is different than what I am permitted to and now fear.  I got no clue what will be my final escape attempt.  But I need something fairly fast, before I am just done for with no answers ever again.

Why are the good people punished for just wanting to live a simple and normal life?

V-day depression.

Valentine’s Day depression usually happens when you just don’t have anyone to share a love day like this with.  Not that my depression recently has been as bad, but still the knowledge of lack of love, being stuck and financially whipped into next never year knowing of expenses bound to be happening and absolutely no money at all for them.  Just doesn’t do a good guy like me any favors.

At least now I’ve did pull off some of my goals that has put me in a funk state as of recent.  I got a lot more goals to go and some researching for my newer future to be had.  You get so tired of how everything just becomes insane.

Some recent things I’ve just notice is how some 100 percent free dating sites are no longer 100 percent free.  I wish I had a way to be paid for my services.  Give me anywhere from 10 to 40 dollars a month just to write and rant and I would be a happy camper.  Problem is this would end up being some fraud or scam if someone were to try.  Already saw one spam message base on that.

Sorry, my dealing with fakes and frauds are over.  My heart bleeds for all the sucker model picture stealing freaks in Nigeria of all places stuck illegally in a hotel taken hostage for funds I won’t send you.

Kind of pathetic that everything about money is really a pyramid scheme.  The w-2 ones just make it clear you won’t ever climb up from that bottom step.

If anything about money, I think it would be nice to see some form of evidence that I don’t need to start to bare arms against it.  This stagnant insanity is going to break one way of the other.  Can we all try peace first since blood shed only translates into someone like myself cleaning up all that damn mess if not dead myself.  Knowing my luck (which is none at all.)

People suck.  We let ourselves become entrapped with ways of thinking.  We think we have freedom when in truth we are nothing more but mindless sheep looking to flow with some kind of liner movement.  This economy is just too selective and doesn’t pertain to everyone very well.  Too many need to reinvent themselves just to keep their heads above water.

Anyways, with a heartbreak basically over, I do realize how important my newly ‘little sister’ has become to me.  No other woman ever has given me such insight like her.  The pain now is witnessing her being abused in the medical sense.  Her battles are just never ending and she just cannot win to save her hide.  You cannot be let into a world like hers and not feel something from all you can learn.

Because there are pending natures at work, I can not go into any details.  I pray for her daily.  I will be by her side in time of need.  I do see her as my sister, even if it is only in the proverbial sense.  She also makes it extremely clear that she needs me as a good friend. 

Being wanted and or needed is a beautiful feeling.  As long as you don’t abuse such a feeling of course.

To wrap this up.  For all you couples out there.  Value the person who you are dating.  Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend.  Your fiancé.  Your Husband or Wife.  Don’t play games on their emotions.  That’s just not right.  While us single people.  Good guys like myself do exist.  Great women out there need to start connecting and just talk or communicate to overcome any fears or concerns you might have. 

You will never know unless you try.  At least by trying, you stand a chance at succeeding.

I’m overdue for my taste with success.  Even if life is what it is.  I only ask to finally get that cooperation I need to take myself to that next level.

Be good, be strong, and be safe.  We can all put an end to the depression nonsense yet.

Peace.

diary entry 003.

Think men can’t be desperate?  Didn’t mean to be living prove of that in my last entry.  But this is the reality of me.

Gone through a lot lately to only have the same end results of not growing how I hope or intend to grow.  Granted there is definite growth.  Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve definitely host a very nasty spiritual wound that takes some time and proper nursihment to fix.

Why all this roller coaster emotion now?  I have this plight of never being able to procure love and money.  Some shocking news begun the tail spin, and chain reaction other thoughts in my own head where I’ve embarrassed myself greatly this week from it.

To me, the worst feeling in the world is feeling hollow.  This is where you have some ache in your heart, and that heart isn’t where it should be.  The body holds some numbing stress that just weighs you down.  You lay away resting, but not sleeping.  This goes on for hours at a time also.

That was me this morning.  Extremely hollow, embarrassed, and ashamed that my mannerisms hurt newer good friend of mine.  You could say I’ve basically lost my mind.  You could say I’m insane.  You could even say I’m just normal and just need to get over a recent heartbreak.  Whatever the reason, this is the truth of my most recent fear.

It scared me how I keep hosting these envisions of imagination of where i end up hurt or someone else ends up hurt or dead.  That such imagination just happens, like I am deprived of some need for drama or something twisted like that.  While I myself in reality have a very weak stomach and somewhat scarred by violence, it embarrassed me to have these visions.

What I can possibly list for you all on why this may exist?  Tourettes syndrome, being alone, rarely ever to never dating, have yet to be “in a relationship,” (add valentines day to this for now), seeing someone whom you admire start admiring someone else, and just a long history of lies and failures or failed attempts for business or relationship.

Such visions have been occuring with me for years now.  I believe my tourettes, with being bullied, single out and alone in my childhood, not really knowing the world around me growing up and being in special education because of it, I’ve develope a social void.  Well, this void now and then becomes dangerous.  And while I am thinking about it, please forgive me for not being more specific.  I will protect the rights of the innocent.  You only need to know me.

There are a couple of decades now of piled on drama growing inside my head.  I tend to suffer by not always being able to express myself.  I tend to be the odd man out.  So I end up feeling like I’m not normal or even human, just because I grew such a strong innocent view of this world and just not seeing the stereotypical extreme behaviors that everyone else knew about.  Granted today I do everything I can to never ever be abusive, be the best and nicest guy that I can ever be, and have this strong will to be there for others.  Sometimes it feels like this isn’t something that gets returned my own way.

I am mostly just ashamed of what I cannot seem to gain and need to gain the most.  No regrets in who I am and even no regrets in the mistakes I’ve made.  There have been too many moments in my life where I am trying to find myself, where such an avenue doesn’t pan out how I hope, and I am left standing with the damage and hurt from not getting what I hoped for from such an expedition.  Now, some of those attempts in life now have me psychologically scarred.  The greatest of them now is “having to spend money to make money.”  Business opportunity has basically become nothing but fraud and terrorism in my view.  So money now has to enter my pockets first.  No excuses.  No exceptions.  Because I will act out extremely irrationally and with great ugliness of being extremely upset.  I am that pissed off with business opportunity.

This is only one of many aspects of my overall life that has me tail spin this week.  Some smaller notes was taking pictures of 23 of my own personal items to put up onto eBay, and for some reason, I hadn’t the heart to just do so.  Some barrier went up around me over objects I basically don’t utilize anymore.  I just could not justify why this was occuring.  But this is when I realize that depression has basically taken over my actions.  I grown lazy in making things happen.  Some of the things I did regularly I lost completely in being able to do.  Writing anything no matter what that was, even my former artical writing days on here, became impossible to continue to do.  October was a jump start, and my jump start take two not until now.  February. 

That’s depression.  Situational depression.

Today’s good news, whatever I thought visiting that friend today would be about, wasn’t the case at all.  I was on the verge of disappearing on someone whom I agreed to never abandon.  To what, just join the ranks of stereotypical liars because self invested interest must lay before the interest of others?  Well, if you people haven’t figured this out yet.  I am no stereotypical male.  I am more prideful in being self-less rather than selfish.  While I thrive and am at my best being there or going out of my way for others.  That is when I feel purposeful.  That is where I feel like my life has meaning finally. 

Granted I am still a man, and a good protion of stereotypes that all men do have still apply to me.  That isn’t ever going to stop.  Stereotypical physicialology but not mentally.  I rather apparently just be mental than be some poor mentality excuse to someone else.

Anyways, my problems in my life are my own.  They are very real problems.  Anyone out there can be having similar problems like me.  Trapped within themselves and not understanding how to express or release the built up tention they are developing.

This diary to help me end my depression will be continuing.  As daily as I can make it.  I don’t want what recently happened to me, having horrible imaginations like I did, to happen again like that.  I’ve literally scared myself to death for something irrational and out of my hands and control.  Inhuman isn’t something I ever want to be.  Not with all the fighting I’ve done to keep my humanity.

So welcome to my diary to help end and recognize depression.  I hope somehow this helps even just one person out there.  I may be able to apologize a million times over, but even an apology shouldn’t mask up truths that need to be shared.

Be good, be strong, and be safe.  Peace.

diary continued.

I feel like garbage.  Not like I want to be or prefer to be.  I just do.

I living in a perpetual lie roller coaster that won’t end.

My recent feelings has hurt someone who has meaning to me.

I no longer know what to think.  Goals, ambitions, and so much more has been so shot to hell on my behalf, I am embarrassed by it.  Deeply embarrassed and wounded.

I don’t even know if I am still human.  Just because I can’t find my little place and niche in this cursing society.

I am embarrassed.

I am afraid.  I am scared s-less for my own life.

I am insane.  At least by the definition of Einstine.  Yet I wonder do we all coward behind the definition of insanity, refusing to help out those who need help, on their terms, and not the initial violator of those calling others insane.  Because their bubble is protected while other peoples bubbles are not.

I cannot rationalize anymore.  I cannot define, I cannot label, and I cannot even defend.

Depression is no longer a disease.  It is an epidemic.

I wish my depression was clinical.  I know for a fact it is situational.

My situation has basically been good, and yet it sucks, at the same time, ever since I was born.

I don’t have what I need to be on my own.  I cannot get what I need to be on my own.  I also cannot find the permission or the cooperation so I can be on my own.

Is there such a thing as financial abuse?  I guarantee there is such a thing as social abuse.  I am very socially abused back then that is only showing it’s ugly head now.

Money.

Love.

Both are a catch 22 on me.  I can’t seem to ever have either.  And what you are all reading, if anyone ever reads this at all.  This is the results of denying anyone, I just speak from personal experience, from the most fundamental needs in life, that are not optional to not have.

Jumpstart take 2. The Viodragon diary.

No cut and paste from MS Word this time.  Why so long.

Laptop crashed.  Got a desk top now. 

Took care and continue to take care of a new good friend.  A date failure but gained best friend.

She opened me to a world of experience I haven’t known before.

Ended my dealings with a company called Metro Public Adjusting.  I didn’t appreciate how someone who brought me on make the experience cheap crap on my behalf.  I had more of a conscious to make sure I didn’t make somebody like that rich while struggling so much myself.

The lack of money, and the lack of love now has me fighting depression.  Situational depression.  This is where you don’t really cure me with pills or doctors or their bills, which would only add to my issues, not take them away.  Results are what I need.  A job or career that will allow me to live on my own, allow me to remove all debt, allow me to be who I deserve to be.

This also means someone out there needs to accept my goodness and forgive any faults which I can never remove but are all in the past and won’t allow to be an issue now or ever again.

My focus has been shot straight to hell.  I don’t have the energy I should have to do things I once did.

I know all these issues when I picture 23 of my items up for eBay, and never listed any of them.

I don’t want sympathy, don’t care to hear any slander or wake up nonsense.  This society itself is going to hell in a hand basket because no one ever controls what should be in control of.  Economy and everyone is a proper part of economy.

I’ll get back to advertising my business with the blastoff network.  I’m shopreward4u for those who want to be linked onto a shopping reimbursement program that cost nothing to join.  If you are someone who shops online, continue to do so, just use the blastoff network to eventually get back your already normal spending habits.

But as far as marketing tends to go, I have the knack for it, but seriously lack the results for making that work.  Amongst my issues is just not having any pull or say.

I tend to just become piss off anymore with how much of a box society we turned into and that whole “spend money to earn money” nonsense. 

I don’t mind witnessing good reasons to not bare arms itself against economy and the world.  This is just me needing to see all that conspiracy nonsense humbled and knowing that all people are equal and need to start being treated a whole lot better.

I don’t care so much about imperfections, I just want the human needs of love and affections, financial health, social health, and my rights to protect all this protected better. 

Here is my final kicker for now.  I’ve said this a little too much lately.  To myself of course.

I have no one.

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

This is of course a lie.  I know it is a lie.  I need to feel the results to keep this a lie.  Being alone as much as I have been isn’t doing that.

Tired of extreme imagination thoughts.  Thoughts I am too embarrass to ever share and should never share in truth.

Tired of nothing ever working for me.  No matter what it is I do.

Tired of how piss poor community as become as well.  Too many people no longer have this sense of community anymore.  A little too easily forgotten.

So my goal here now is nothing more but seeing who out there in blog world will guide me to what I really need to be doing.

be good, be strong, and be safe.  Peace.

Bob.

The Renew Purge Wait is Over.

The Renew Purge Wait is Over.

 

            Okay, once in a while I have this tendency to purge out old when hit with a depression stage in my life.  Out with the old and in with the new.  I didn’t need this to be three months of waiting however.

            It is what it is.  I still got goals and dreams to live up to.  So here’s what went down since I’ve did my purge.

            Still unlucky dating.  A one month time of trying to be there for someone I had no business being there for.  I was hugely uncomfortable in her presence one time and was pulled on once too many over another personal detail, which I won’t state for rights of privacy protection.  It wasn’t fun.  Another prospect is only on a friendship basis now.  I’ve never witness someone fighting so hard with so much against her.  I realize a good friendship is more important than a lover at times.

            Needless to say, the dating world has turn into frustration for me.  I have a foul taste now for all those out there who have to be abusive.  I’m trying to figure out how the hell can I break through as that two souls become one soul lover that I am when so many barriers have been toss up that I stand pretty much no chance in hell making that happen. 

            Life can be cruel.  But this is why I do my best to make the most out of what I do have.

            Business is another avenue of my life where nothing works for me ever, no matter what it is.  I’m only going to push now The Blastoff Network.  Especially since being apart of this initially cost nothing.  Advertising may cost money, like business cards and the such, but overall, I find this to be for now my best revenue chance of making my hard earn money work hard for me.

            I’m starting a newer wordpress blog and will be shopreward4u, or so I hope.  That is next on my list of things to write up.

            Anyways, my need to understand hump now is figuring out this whole spectrum of what abuse does to a person.  It doesn’t matter what that abuse is either.  Financial abuse, education abuse, legal abuse, and even political abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental/social/emotional abuse.  It all adds up.  Hard to say how many of us are abused by something in this life.

            I ended up dreaming this morning something along the lines of your batteries not included movie robots with intelligence and ways of benefiting the human race.  The biggest lesson in this dream being we must all change how we think and what we know.  There is just too much truth in this.

            So welcome me blogging once more.  I’ll be keeping this one short and sweet.  Hopefully those who I need to connect with out there will do what I need out of them, this way a better sense of self reliability can finally be achieved.

            I’ll defeat my two nemesis yet, love and money, making them finally in my favor.  Who, when, where?  Still has yet to be determined.  I haven’t given up yet, just needed time away to redirect my energies.

            Be good, be strong, and be safe now.  Peace.